You are here: Home / Archives for Emotional Stress

Giving Your Child Everything

Giving your child everything he/she wants may sound exciting at the outset, especially if you’re making up for those things you never had, but it’s never a good idea. Even when parents have enough money to spend on their child, it’s never helpful to provide your child with everything he/she wants.

Some parents, whether they can afford to or not, give their children all the toys, trips and cars that they ask for. This is also true of some parents who have adopted a child and the child has grown up with little or nothing. The problem is that a reasonable list of demands has a way of growing larger and more expensive the older the child gets. More importantly, giving your child everything breeds selfishness and a lack of desire in your child to work for what he/she wants or needs.

As your child grows, an expensive education at the most prestigious school may be in order, but a second look might also be worth considering. Many schools provide excellent learning for students, whether your choice is a close-by university, a community college or an online college that provides online courses right within the comfort of your own home. Allowing your child to attend the most prestigious school when it is not the best choice for you financially or for your child emotionally, is never a good idea.

Giving your child everything he/she wants is really about you as the parent and less about your child. Beginning when your child is young, hold back and allow your child to work for some of what he/she wants. He/She will thank you later.

Filed Under: Adoption Process, Emotional Stress Tagged With: , ,

The Emotional Adjustments That Come With Adoption

This photo of a rural child was photographed b... 

Image via Wikipedia

Adoption is a time of joy and trepidation for all of the parties involved. The adopting family has to deal with excitement and potential disappointment, and the parent that is giving up their child has to deal with sorrow and guilt. It is most definitely not an easy time for all who are involved in the process.

The emotions begin the moment the birth parent(s) decide to put the child up for adoption. A majority of the time, adoptions are done for a number of reasons, but the main thrust is that the birth parent(s) know that they cannot properly provide for their child. It is a hard path to walk for them as they deal with the instinct to keep their child in the face of overwhelming odds. They are also going to be dealing with their guilt for not being able to raise the child as they should, and giving it up.

Adoptive parents are thrilled when they hear the news that they are going to be able to adopt a child of their dreams. But they too will go through an emotional process that is fraught with tension. It begins when the birth parent(s) make the move to put their child up for adoption. If there is any uncertainty with the giving up of the child, the adoptive parents start dealing with a roller coaster of emotions. The roller coaster stops when the paperwork is finalized, and the birth parent(s) have waived all legal rights to their child.

Adoption is a happy and sad time for all involved, but it is doing what is right for the child that is most important.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress, Parenting Tagged With: , ,

Preparing to Tell a Child, “You Were Adopted”

Children in Jerusalem.

Image via Wikipedia

Recently, child psychologists suggested that the ideal time for adoptive parents to tell their child they adopted them, is not as early as possible, as once thought. They now say that the best time is at the age where the child is able to understand the term adopted, which is at the youngest, seven years old.

Adopted children at this age do not only understand the word, they are also able to ask questions about the process of adoption. They might ask how their parents chose them and why. They may ask questions about their biological parents. If the child and the adoptive parents have already gained each other’s trust, and both are confident in the love and affection felt between them, this will go smoother than most adoptive parents think.

The most important thing to remember when taking to an adopted child is to be honest and open about the entire subject. Adoptive parents run the risk of the child finding out something later on in their life that their adoptive parents kept from them.

Adoptive parents may be eager to tell their child that they chose them because they were special or possessed abilities other children did not. Many children by the age of seven or eight have the extraordinary ability to sense when a parent is overdoing it. Overstating the reasons for adoption might cause the child to imagine things that simply are not true.

Adoptive parents know they love the child as their own, and by this age, the child knows it too. The best-case scenario for adoptive parents and adopted children is total honesty.

Filed Under: Adoption Process, Emotional Stress Tagged With: , , ,

Emotional Needs of Adopted Children

Children who have been adopted have some special emotional needs that other children would not have to face. If you are the parent of an adopted child or children you need to be prepared to deal with the special emotional needs of these children.

One problem that you will see with many adopted children is a fear of abandonement. This is more common in children that are adopted an an older age. When they feel this fear of abandoment it is up to you to help them realize that they are finally in their forever home. You want to make them feel like they are just as important to the family as any other family member. This will take time, but with care it will happen.

Another problem that many adopted children have is fear of losing their posssessions. This is because they may have had to leave their belongings behind over the years if they bounced from one foster home to another. You can help them with these feelings by always respecting their possessions and giving them a safe place to keep and store their items. Having their own bedroom will likely help with this.

Your adopted children may face some more serious emotional problems if they have been abused or neglected. If this is the case you may want to allow your children to spend time with a therapist or psychologist. This will help them work through any ongoing problems they have, befor they turn into lifelong issues.

It doesn’t matter what their past was like, it is up to you to make these children’s future bright. You have taken a great first step by adopting a child, make sure you follow through and help them through any problems that occur. Your family will eventually come together and hopefully everyone will be comfortable with each other. The emotional needs will fade over time as your children become more stable in their new home.

Filed Under: Adoption, Emotional Stress Tagged With: ,

Controlling Temper for Children

The job title of parent is both the hardest and best you will ever experience. It is the one job where you can be certain that you will experience something new every day. As a parent, you are a teacher and life coach, a chef and chauffer, a doctor and entertainer. For the first few years of your child’s life, you will be the center of their universe.

However, once your child gets a bit older and independent, your job can be heartbreaking. The first time your child says you are mean, or says they hate you will likely bring you to tears. The most important thing to remember is that your child does not truly hate you or resent you. Your child is simply expressing anger in a very unrefined way.

When your child becomes angry with you, you must follow their lead to help them get over this. Some children need time alone to get over their anger; some children need hugs and reassurance. Your child will show you through their actions how you can best help them when they are upset. The most important thing you can do is to remain perfectly calm, no matter how angry you feel. Express your feelings to your child in a calm and steady manner so they can learn from your example.

If you have a bad temper, you need to find ways to control it so that you can be a positive role model for your children. I face this problem myself, but I can normally step back, and hold it in while I am dealing with my kids. If I need to work through my anger later, I do it in a controlled manner where I do not have to worry about being a bad example for my kids.

Teach your children coping mechanisms for their anger and bad temper too. They may want to work it out through exercise or yelling in a controlled environment. My daughter likes to jump on the trampoline when she gets angry, I think this is a very healthy way of expressing anger.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Helping an Older Adopted Child Feel at Home

Adopting an older child is one of the kindest things that potential parent can do. In the world of adoption, generally only the babies and toddlers are easily placed with new homes. One of the things many potential parents worry about when considering adopting older children is making them feel comfortable in their new home. There are a few things that can be done to make things go smoothly that won’t take too much time or effort.

First, make sure you have space for all of the child’s belongings. They likely don’t have too much, but you don’t want to make them feel like what they do own is not important enough to make space for. If they have family photos, make room in your home for them to display their photos too. If they have trophies or collectables, make sure they have plenty of space to keep them in their bedroom.  Small things like this may be all these children have.

Second, help them to feel comfortable with their room. If they are used to a room with the sun shining in first thing in the morning, see if this can be arranged. You may have to move the guest room down the hall, or rearrange your office, but this is a small price to pay for your new child’s comfort.

Finally, make sure they have plenty of time to talk about their past as well as their future. Speak with them often about any questions they have about your family. Also introduce them to neighbors, family and friends. They will likely be very curious about what life is like in your home, so help them learn to fit in and feel comfortable with your traditions and way of life. They will fit in much easier if they don’t come into the situation completely uneducated about what to expect. Soon everyone will feel like a family, and you can all begin your lives together.

Filed Under: Adoption, Emotional Stress Tagged With: ,

Grieving After a Miscarriage is Acceptable

An expecting mother who has a miscarriage should not be expected to take it in stride.  Some women will be over the miscarriage in a few days and others may take months.  Either way is O.K.  In fact, grieving after a miscarriage is acceptable.  Sometimes people don’t understand why it’s such a big deal because they never actually saw a baby.  But a grieving mother has been connected to the child since conception.  Therefore, it shouldn’t matter how far along in the pregnancy a woman is. If grief happens, it’s perfectly acceptable.

When the event happens, the mother will likely feel shock, some denial and incredible sadness.  As the hormone levels begin to drop, the depression can get pretty intense.  This should start to ease up when the first menstrual cycle appears.  Even so, some women will grieve a miscarriage the same as a parent losing an older child.

Sometimes there is anger and jealousy towards other women who are enjoying successful pregnancies.  This is perfectly normal, and the bereaved mother shouldn’t be embarrassed by those emotions.  Those feelings eventually pass.  If the individual feels like it’s more than they can handle or if they feel the grief isn’t resolving, then it’s a good idea to seek support.

There are support groups as well as counselors who can help the woman talk through her feelings in a non-judgemental environment.  Friends and family can be a huge support if they’re allowed to step in and be supportive.  So can the spouse.  However, don’t discount his feelings. He’s lost a baby, too.  He is concerned for his grief as well as his wife’s well being.  Treat the miscarriage like a loss of a child and support both parents.  If the marriage seems strained after the event, the couple may need to seek counseling together.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress Tagged With:

The Physical Adjustment to Losing a Child

When the unthinkable happens, and a child dies, there is no doubt that the emotional toll will be huge.  Children are our future.  They are our hopes and dreams for the days after our own deaths.  Suddenly everything we ever hoped to accomplish for them is gone.  The grief is said to be the worst kind that can happen.  Along with the psychological effects of a child’s death, there will be physical adjustments to losing a child.

When anyone dies, we experience a multitude of psychological changes.  First, there is the sudden shock of what has happened.  Expected or not, a child’s death is not something anyone can fully prepare for.  There will be denial of the loss.  There will be bargaining.  This typically happens between the parent and God.  It goes something like a prayer that bargains the parent’s actions against bringing the child back.  There will definitely be anger, depression and at some point, acceptance of the loss.

We all know that our emotions affect our bodies.  Depression can make a person eat too much, not eat at all, or just be nauseated from food.  Sleep patterns are disturbed as parents think about losing that child.  In some cases, sleep is the way to avoid the reality of the whole situation.

People who lose a child can seem to age overnight as they stop eating, stop sleeping, stop their daily activities.  The physical toll seems to speed them closer to their own deaths.  Of course, the constant crying is there, too.  A word about tears.  It is O.K. to cry.  Don’t ever let anyone make you feel bad about your tears.  Losing a child is so incredibly profound, and tears are our way of releasing the pain and sorrow.

As hard as it seems, try to exercise and eat healthily.  Life will go on.  Remember that your other children are grieving too, and they really do need you in this time.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress Tagged With:

Resources for Parents Who Have Lost a Child

Nothing is more devastating than the loss of a child.  How many times have you known someone whose child died say that they were supposed to die before their children.  It’s almost unfathomable what that mother or father must be going through.  Most feel completely lost, alone and helpless in their sorrow.  However there are resources for parents who have lost a child that can help them grieve in a healthy way with other people who are experiencing the same tragic circumstance.

The very first, and most immediate resource for all parents and even the dead child’s siblings is the local hospice organization.  These healthcare professionals are uniquely positioned to really meet grieving loved ones where ever they may be in the bereavement process.  Hospices often offer support groups where grieving parents can meet and process the loss of their children in a safe, understanding group environment.  The sessions are lead and moderated by a hospice professional.

On a national level, there is The Compassionate Friends.  This organization is usually not associated with a hospice but rather works in tandem to help parents work through the terrible grief of losing a child.  They can be reached at www.compassionatefriends.org.  From this website, people in need of support will be able to find the group meeting near their home.

Compassionate Friends is just the beginning of organizations who are uniquely designed to help parents grieve.  There are even groups who support grandparents.  Most hospices also offer kids’ camps to help the siblings understand and process the loss of a brother or sister.  For those looking for a one stop resource to find exactly the right group for their situation, lossofachild.org is a great place to start.  They list books, groups, web resources, discussions, and other media to help the family cope.

Don’t be afraid to seek support and help. Start with hospice.  Their understanding will be a huge relief for all suffering the loss of a child.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress, Parenting Tagged With: ,

Coping With Child Loss

As human beings, it is quite a normal occurrence for us to lose one item or the other from time to time. Depending on the value that we had placed on the lost item, we will also mourn such loss. Without the slightest pinch of doubt, the greatest loss that anyone (specifically parents in this case) can experience is that of a child. Of all the tragedies that can befall any person, the loss of a beloved child is surely one of the most painful and that is if you can think of anything that is more painful and devastating.

The loss of a child signifies the end of a dream and the emptiness of a loving heart. At such gloomy times, it is very important for such parents to know how to cope with such an unfortunate incident. Although it is said that time heals all wounds, this saying may not be applicable to a wound that is as deep as the loss of a child. The pain is much more understood when experienced although this is understandably not the wish of anybody.

For someone that has lost a child, the first step that you have to take is to come to reality with what has happened. To elucidate further, this is very important because at such moments, emotions becloud our sense of reasoning and proper judgment.

Therefore, you must first find a way to properly give the last honor and respect to your child. What this means is that proper burial rites must be done and if possible, memorials or foundations can be established in honor of the dead. Another thing that must be done is to ensure that as a spouse, you must be full of support for your partner as the time is one when you have to be most helpful and considerate. You should never trade blames or accuse one another.

Filed Under: Emotional Stress, Parenting Tagged With: , , ,
« Older Posts